The Elephant And My Travels

Just like I’ve established in other blogs, grief doesn’t stop just because I’ve made plans. A month after Pete passed away, I contacted a friend from one of my universities about the travel program she runs. For years, I’ve seen her post about amazing trips but life, kids, and cancer didn’t allow me to come. I then signed up for the trip that I’m on.  

The elephant showed up even before my trip, telling me that I shouldn’t spend the money on myself and that I shouldn’t go. I then remembered how, since I signed up, I’ve taken money out of every check for this trip, that I did that for myself, and that doing something for myself was not selfish but taking care of myself. 

The next time the elephant showed up was in a gas station parking lot in Morocco when I saw the Father’s Day memories of previous years pop up. The emotions that hit me then were both/and, yet again, which were that I was so glad for the life I had with Pete and our daughters but also just being sad that he’s not here. I just let the elephant sit on my chest for a while and let the tears come. I had several travelers check in on me and I just told them that a wave of grief hit me. 

The next time the elephant visited me on the trip was when I was waiting on my camel ride on the beach of the African coast - I mean, who gets to say that??? - I said aloud that I missed and loved Pete. That I’m so grateful to him for the life we had together. Then one of my fellow travelers took the above picture of me. 

This afternoon, the elephant unexpectedly showed up again out of nowhere. It literally had nothing to do with whatever happened at the time but all of a sudden, I felt alone, isolated, and overwhelmed. Again I let the tears come and I wrote out all the things I did on this trip to fight it off. 

If I hadn’t come, if I’d let the elephant win, I wouldn’t have:

Tried new foods

Met and made new friends

Spoken French with native speakers

Walked labyrinths of cities, probably around 20,000 steps a day 

Added Africa to my list of continents I’ve visited

Gotten some killer photos of myself 

Traveled again and remembered why I love it 

Dealt with some hard emotions but also experienced some amazing memories

The elephant definitely knows how to squeeze the life or breath out of me when I give it the power to but I won this round.