My Health and The Elephant

In 2020, along with Pete’s 3 surgeries and another for myself, I had my gallbladder removed because it was causing pancreatitis. At that time, with the full body scan they did to find out what was going on, they also mentioned to me that I had a cyst on my kidney. Since then, I’ve mentioned it a couple of times to a doctor and specialist but always got the same answer: “I’m not concerned about it.”  The last time I spoke with my doctor, May 15th, though, I said, “I’m concerned so I need another scan done.”  They find a 2 cm mass on my left side then tell me they’re going to put in another asap scan. Fast forward several months, trying to get an appointment scheduled and going back and forth with offices as to what that specialist should be, I finally had a consultation almost 2 hours away to schedule a biopsy almost 2 hours away before I can be admitted into the cancer center. 

All of that back story to tell you that a week ago, I woke up with excruciating pain in my rib cage on my left side. I also had a lump in my armpit that I’ve not yet had checked. This morning that spot was dark red. So, here’s where the elephant had its heyday. I had decided that I had cancer in my kidney that was already in my lymph nodes. I packed an overnight bag. I had rehearsed in my mind how I’d tell my girls and friends. I planned on having multiple tests before that diagnosis. 

Instead:  I was blessed with a great ER doc who gave me something for my anxiety and because I was so anxious, had a scan with contrast done on my whole body. I acknowledge the irony when I say that I was grateful it was a UTI. I then had to wait another week for my appointment with the urologist. But it turns out, it never should’ve been diagnosed as a mass - still is classified as a cyst that’s only grown .4 cm in 4 years - and it was on the other side from where my ER-visit pain was!  

All I can say is that the elephant was winning for a long time in my thinking around my health. It very possibly caused my UTI and endless hours of sleeplessness and anxiety. In other areas of my life, I’ve been able to acknowledge the elephant’s work and not give it so much power. This time that was not the case but I took this as an opportunity to remind myself that I’m allowed to fall and stumble. That His Grace covers me but also enables me to get back up and take my power back. And yes, I’ve scheduled an appointment for my lymph node!