A Ditch On A Winding Mountain Road
Friday afternoon, Sebra and I got in the car and headed for Gunnison where we'd spend the weekend with Becca and Drew for Sebra's birthday. Because of the fires near our normal route, we took another route that generally has rivers or cliffs on the shoulder with one lane going each way. About halfway on our trip, just like had happened so many times prior on this road, an RV got in the right lane and I started to pass it. Next thing you know, without any warning, the RV's lane ended and it got into my lane, which pushed me into oncoming traffic. In the blink of an eye, I was headed straight towards a white Toyota truck. Luckily, as we were both contemplating our lives flashing before us, the driver noticed I was going for the ditch and stayed on the road so we wouldn't crash into each other. And we ended up in this ditch, bouncing and braking until we safely stopped. A tow truck behind us slowed down, sure that we'd need help then proceeded on as we were fine and, after a moment of getting our bearing, I headed back on the highway.
Sebra went back to her headphones and I continued listening to my worship music that had been playing. That's when the tears and the overwhelm hit me. I couldn't breathe I was so thankful to still be alive and to have more time in my life. This weekend was the first going to Gunnison without Pete and Sebra's first birthday without Pete. As Easter, the first funeral I'll attend after Pete's, Sebra's graduation, my birthday, our anniversary, then the other girls' birthdays will come, it feels like this weekend was the first big one.
But, in the moments after our scary encounter ending in the ditch, I felt a prompting to somehow be more present in my life, not just surviving but working hard to enjoy life in the midst of so much sadness. I felt a nudge to not let losing Pete be all the fills my day. I have no idea how to find the balance but I do know that I have a choice. Five days before Pete passed away, I wrote of the confidence I wanted to have (and am working to have) in how God will carry me through this difficult season because of how He's carried us in the past. I know that God knows the pain I face from when I wake up until I get to sleep and when I wake in the middle of the night. He has also provided me a blessed life, where He wants me to leave all that I can't control with Him and see the joy He has set before me. So I am now in the pursuit of that balance...grieving Pete but also working to live my life to its fullest, as Pete and God would want me to.
The rest of the weekend went really well, but also on Saturday, I said I needed some time by myself, got the tears and sadness out, then was able to laugh, beat everyone at Nertz, have a beautiful hike in the woods, see wildlife and beauty all around us, and celebrate the blessings around me at every turn. We came home, after having to fill up one tire three times on the way home being our only casualty from the incident (Yes, I'll get it looked at!), we unpacked, I installed my electric standing desk, and I was blessed to attend the Chris Tomlin concert as a gift. I sang my heart out, frying my voice, and being reminded over and over of God's character, His love for me, and that He came to give me life to the full.